I think a lot of people see me as an extrovert, but I am also very much an introvert. Talking in front of crowds, especially of adults, makes me nervous. I used to laugh that I taught an Oral Communications class because I was terrified of public speaking. Sure, I could get up in front of elementary and high school aged students all day long with no problem, but put me in a room full of my peers and my hands get clammy and my stomach gets tied up in knots. I would rather swim in ice cold water. Okay, maybe it isn’t quite that bad, but it is close.
I can write on my blog, post on social media, send you text message all day long, but I don’t like to talk on the phone except to my family. What is crazy is that once upon a time, I did. Of course, that was back during my teen years when everything is so different and most of my friends were guys because there was way less drama.
When my sister and I were younger, she was the one that wouldn’t run into the feed store and ask a question. I had to do it. She wouldn’t talk to the cashier at the grocery line. She just didn’t do that. Out of the two of us, it was me, and I am the youngest. You would think it would be the other way around.
But for all my would-rather-be-quiet-ness, I was also very much blessed with the gift of gab and not afraid to tell the truth.
Which is probably why I don’t have many friends.
Sure, I have had some friends through the years. Most were just nice to me because they thought they would learn some juicy tidbit they could spread around to everyone, but I was smart enough to see through all of the smoke and mirrors of their friendship. It hurt when they did just the same even though I always knew it was coming.
I have tried to trust folks. I mean really, really tried, but with too many of them I got that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and knew we would never be best friends. Sure, I could talk to them, but they would never be a person I could confide in because they were the kind that was going to take whatever I said, twist it, and spread it like wildfire around three counties.
I hope you don’t know what I am talking about, but I am sure that you do.
And some of those people I smile and nod at. Some of them I politely communicate with. Some have already tried to tell me things about other friends so that tells me they are telling the other friends things about me too.
I don’t have time for all of that nonsense.
I don’t want fake friends.
And, to be honest, I don’t even care if I really have friends anymore.
I know. Some of you are shocked. What!?! No friends!?! How could you live with no friends!?!
Too many times I’ve seen people start confiding in folk about their marital issues or work troubles or kid problems that they call their friends and before you know it, they are divorced, quitting their job, or forgetting they even have children.
I also got very tired of only being needed when somebody wanted something.
And investing so many hours in someone only for them to not be there when you needed them.
I don’t want to compete for attention. I don’t want to be judged because I’m wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday and slept in or haven’t washed my hair all week. I don’t want to be criticized because I parent differently or because our child didn’t get a perfect attendance or good behavior award. We have already accepted that our youngest will never get a good behavior award because he likes to talk too much. I have no idea where he gets that from (she said sarcastically).
I have my family.
I have my husband.
I am fine with complaining about him to him.
He truly is my best friend which is exactly how it should be.
I don’t have many “friends,” and I’m okay with that.