People are always going to talk about me. I have never walked through this life blind to the fact that some people are just not going to like me. It won’t matter what I do. I can kiss up to them. I can go without speaking to them. I can message them daily. I can be their shoulder to cry on. I can do all kinds of things for them, but there are some people I am just never going to be enough for.
Some people are going to make up all kinds of untruths and spread them around like wildfire because they are jealous or have their own insecurities to deal with, but instead of actually dealing with them, they just tell lies about other people to make themselves feel better. They are also pretty predictable if you think about it.
Some people don’t want to take a good hard look in the mirror at their souls so they will do whatever they can to appear to be big and bad and tough and unbreakable and point the finger at anyone and everyone but them. The truth is that they’re shattered inside but they have no idea how to glue the pieces back together so they lash out at other people around them when they don’t get their way. Another truth is they are comfortable playing the victim because it means they don’t have to change.
I don’t ever want to be one of those people. Lord, help me to never be one of those people.
But some days it is so hard to be kind to them.
And I will just be honest here. I don’t think we always have to be kind in the sense that we are over-the-top sickeningly sweet. The world has turned the word “kind” into something it is not. We don’t have to be mean and ugly, but we can tell the truth to them. We also don’t have to be their best friend. We can love them from a distance, but we are not required to like them. Nowhere in the bible does it say that I have to be best friends with people who do not have good intentions toward me. I am to let my light shine, but my light should be bright enough for them to see no matter where I am. And disagreeing with them and not keeping them in my inner circle doesn’t mean I hate them.
I’m going to also be honest when I say there are days and times I don’t want to pray. I don’t want to show love. I don’t want to be nice. I just don’t want to. I’m not perfect. I’m just being real. Sometimes it hurts too much. Some days I cannot muster the willpower. Some days I would rather be silent and ignore it. There are days I feel so detached from it all. I have gotten better through the years, but I have always dealt with extreme overload by drawing inward.
I try really hard to live at peace with everybody, but reality is that it’s not going to happen because I also refuse to be a doormat. Sometimes it means that in order to do that certain people are not allowed in my life- blood family or not. It doesn’t mean I don’t try, but people have their own will and some just have a victim complex. They will turn anything and everything back on you to make it look like they are the one being done wrong.
It gets harder and harder some days to bite my tongue. Anyone else ever felt like that? And there are times that I don’t because, once again, I’m not called to be a doormat.
Some days I don’t think I can handle anymore. I want to stomp and scream and run and hide for a while, but I hold it in. Most of the time.
I am not perfect. I have accepted the fact that I have flaws, but I am always trying to do better. Some days I fail. Some days I feel the weight of it all crushing me and am afraid the waves are going to drown me. My heart feels heavy. I want to be strong, but I just don’t know how much more I can bear. My heart is so overwhelmed, but I am trying with all my might to hang on to the scripture that says, “When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2. I have to remind myself that I’m a warrior. But even warriors need rest, peace, seclusion to recharge.
Lord, please help me.
I just wish people would do the right thing for the right reasons and that they would all know Jesus because what a wonderful world it would be then.
And I know the Lord could take care of it all. He could stop the wagging tongues. He could change hearts. He could do so many things. But even if He doesn’t, my hope still has to be found in Him.
My faith may be small at times but surely it is at least the size of a mustard seed. Lord, move the mountain or move me, but let me never lose sight of you in the midst of it all.