Yesterday afternoon was hard.
I had to go get an ultrasound done on my thyroid. I’ve had it done before, but it has been years.
I got to the hospital to have it done.
Went through all the things to get checked in.
Sat in the waiting room.
Someone called my name.
I looked and my breath caught for a moment.
It was the same tech.
I got up and followed her to a room.
It was the same room.
The same tech and the same room from the day I was told I was miscarrying.
I laid on that bed for this thyroid ultrasound and stared up at the ceiling.
So many thoughts were racing through my mind and all the while I tried to pretend I was okay.
I laughed and smiled and joked with her to try to keep the thoughts at bay.
Isn’t that what most of us do? We pretend we are okay because we think we are supposed to instead of admitting we are not. It is not a sign of weakness to say you’re hurting.
The last time I was there Ambree was sitting in the chair at the foot of the bed.
The room was quiet. Somber. There was a heaviness lingering in the air.
I was waiting and hopeful that there would be a little baby still growing.
The news I got was not what I wanted to hear.
What I went through just a few short days later shattered my world.
Though I love my little Lindee Sue more than any words could ever express, her existence does not erase the existence of the one that came before her.
I still grieve that little life at times while similtaneously rejoicing in the life that I do get to hold in my arms. Thank you, Jesus, for that blessing of a baby.
I got up yesterday and walked out to the car unsure of really how to feel. It is funny how just something as simple as that can bring a wave of emotions that rush over you. Sometimes they recede almost as quickly as they came, while other times they linger on the shore for a bit.
I may not live in that chapter anymore, but it is still part of my story.
I want you to know mamas and mamas in waiting that also know that grief…the grief of a lost child…the grief of a negative test…..
You are not alone.
You are loved.
You are seen.
God’s plans are good.
God is good.
Keep holding on.
He is still in the miracle business.